All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
