The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
