Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
