I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
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