Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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