Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
