I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
