I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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