I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize