YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
