I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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