I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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