I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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