it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
