no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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