It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
