So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize