I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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