So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
