I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
