I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
