Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
