def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
