My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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