Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
