i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
