Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
