I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
