Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
