Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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