: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize