Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
