She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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