I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
