I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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