My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
