overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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