I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize