I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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