Screwed.edu
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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