I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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