i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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