better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
