I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
