You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
