My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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