I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
