Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
