I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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