So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Sober January is a disaster.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
