Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
