My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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