someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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