I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
