I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
