Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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