My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
