One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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