it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
