It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize