He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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