thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
