i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
