you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
