Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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