I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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