I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
