maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
even my farts smell like vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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