You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
