Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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