i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There r osticjed everywhere
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
