Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize