The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
