someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize